How to raise a Genius

Today I'm sharing this (fun) infographic with you.  It nicely summarizes some of the latest and key research in raising "smarter" children.

Of particular interest to me is the way in which we praise our children and how we can often over-focus on vague character traits (such as "you are so nice/smart/creative"), rather than on their specific efforts. To read an extensive article in this regard, go here.

This infographic was provided by onlinepsychologydegree.net.

Reading this summary reminds me that I have some work to do in a few departments. And you? What are your thoughts on this information? Does it change the way you are currently thinking about raising smart children? I'd love to hear your opinion.

Great reads that discuss some of this research:

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children (by Po Bronsan and Ashley Merryman) - I absolutely loved this book, but then again it's right up my Psychologist alley :). There's a whole chapter written on the inverse power of praise, as mentioned above. 

How the Brain Learns (by David Sousa) - I couldn't put this down and I think it should be prescribed material for all educators - seriously. 

Till next time, happy reading. 

Goodnight Thoughts

Awhile back, Big One was really struggling to fall asleep at night, so I made him a little book with ideas and words that encourage happy thoughts. Thoughts that are nice for him and that require some imaginative thinking. Thoughts that would entice him to focus on them, rather than on focusing on not-falling-asleep, which tends to make it worse.

This is not a fancy therapy technique - it was simply the way I got myself to fall asleep "happily" when I was a little girl. I can remember looking forward to these playful imaginative journeys, after I had said goodnight prayers.

The cards say things like...

toboggan  (imagine yourself swishing down the toboggan track)

my dream room (one of my favourite fantasies as a little girl)
ten wrapped presents

meeting my hero   

being famous

plan a great day 

a red door...open it

trampoline

a happy place filled with my favourite things

running on the beach

...and so on.

Do you have any goodnight strategies that work for your children? I'd love to hear about them. 

Till next time, sweet dreams. 

(Added later on 13 March 2013 - For those of you with little ones who can't sleep due to anxiety, a nice idea is to create the book together. Involve them in the process and draw some pictures of things that they like to do or places they like to go - anything that makes them happy.  This is a nice visual reminder of happy thoughts to look at and chat about at bedtime. Remember, they will need some extra help visualising the thought, so your words will help them to imagine it.  Hope this all makes sense.) 

The Blessing by John Trent & Gary Smalley {Booksneeze Review}

I was very excited to read The Blessing ,which I had received to review from Booksneeze. This book is essentially about the gift - the blessing -  that we all deeply desire to receive from our parents. This blessing is an affirming gift and when we receive it,  we experience our parents' unconditional love and acceptance, as well as a sense of high value and self-worth.

In the book, the blessing is explained as having five essential elements and each of these are biblically based. These elements are 1) meaningful touch 2) a spoken message 3) attaching high value 4) picturing a special future, and 5) an active commitment. The authors explain both why the blessing is so important for positive self-worth and relationships, as well as what you can do, if you have not received it.  They go on to provide practical advice about how you as a parent can impart this special blessing to your children.

As excited as I was to read this book, I have to be honest and say that I struggled to get through it. I particularly struggled with the first four chapters, which focus on why this blessing is so important and why one should read the book.  Perhaps I was a little impatient, because I wanted to get to the nitty-gritty of what the blessing was all about. The description of the blessing was definitely my favourite part of the book and I think that the suggestions offered for those that feel that they missed out on the blessing, as well as the practicalities of living the blessing, were also helpful.

In a nutshell - it wasn't the easiest read for me, but I would recommend it and it's a book I will definitely be popping into again. 

Thank you Booksneeze for sending me a complimentary copy of this book to review.  I can't wait to review another one :).

Teaching Kindness

I think most of us would like to be thought of as kind individuals...I also think that we would like our children to possess this quality, but have you ever thought about how children become kind? Can you teach kindness? I think so. For me it comes down to this ...you need to be what you want your children to be. You need to teach by doing, not preaching! It's a simple truth...a behaviour modeled and observed is far more powerful than a behaviour spoken about.

Now speaking of kindness, this past December, I was bowled over by Katherine Marie's advent post, where she committed to 24 acts of kindness running up to Christmas day. (To read about it, do go see here). But even more impressive, is that Katherine has decided to continue with her kindness mission and has challenged fellow readers to commit to 52 weeks of random acts of kindness in 2011. Quite extraordinary don't you think?! Katherine has called this amazing project 52 Smiles and has given lots of wonderful ideas and inspiration over on her website, so be sure to check it out.

I have certainly been inspired and so have decided to take up this challenge. I would really like to focus on kindness and compassion in 2011 and in making it part of my life, I know I'll be instilling it in my children. They will join me for the ride! Now, I don't know what it is like where you live, but here in South Africa we really have many opportunities to be kind...without having to look very far. On a daily basis South Africans are approached at their homes and in their cars (at traffic intersections and shopping malls) and we are asked for food, clothing and money. We have such high rates of unemployment here, that others begging is a part of our lives and honestly, sometimes one can even feel a bit harassed. (Just keeping it real) For me personally, this year I want to always give with a generous and happy heart and I want to give more intentionally. I also want to share my plans with my children and I want to act on it.

Maybe you want to join me for the ride too? I'll keep you posted now and again of our efforts.

Take care till next time...

PS. Yesterday here in Cape Town it was about 35 degrees Celsius, so my postman knocked on my door with a huge grin on his face. Being kind felt really good!

A Parenting Philosphy

Most of my post university training has been in the field of play therapy. I have attended many play therapy courses over the years, but one that really stands out for me, was a course by Garry Landreth, a child-centered play therapist. Child-centered play therapy is, as Garry puts it, a philosophy for living one's life in relationships with children. It is for this very reason, that I feel compelled to share some of this philosophy with parents.

Garry wrote a wonderful book called Play Therapy-The Art of the Relationship. The last time I read it, was probably before I became a parent. I have recently read it again and it has been so enlightening to look at the philosophy through parent eyes, rather than merely therapist eyes. Something that I want to share with you is what Garry says about how children should learn through play therapy. (I must mention, that when he refers to play therapy, he is referring to child-centered play therapy.)

He says this:

• Because children are allowed to be fully themselves, with no criticism, suggestions, praise, disapproval or any efforts made to change them, they learn self-control and responsible freedom of expression.

• Because children are respected and not evaluated, regardless of their behaviour, they learn to respect themselves.

• Because all their feelings are accepted and understood, even the intense ones, children learn that their feelings are acceptable.

• Because they are allowed to express their intense feelings, they are able to learn how to responsibly control their feelings.

• Because children are allowed to struggle to do things for themselves, they learn to assume responsibility for themselves and to discover what that responsibility feels like.

• Because children are allowed to figure things out for themselves and to come to their own solutions to problems, they learn to be creative and resourceful in confronting problems.

• Because children are allowed to control their own behaviour (within the careful use of therapeutic limits) and can make their own decisions, they learn self-control and self-direction.

• Because they are accepted just as they are, with no conditions, they learn, at a feeling level, to accept themselves as being worthwhile.This is significant in the development of a positive self-concept.

• Because no choices are made for the child, they  learn to make choices and to be responsible for making their choices.

Even though Garry is talking about a play therapy relationship and not a parenting relationship, when I consider these learning outcomes, I  wonder whether I'm successfully facilitating this kind of learning in my role as parent. I am fully aware of the fact that parenting is not therapy and that the therapeutic relationship described by Garry is a unique one, but I choose to uphold these principles in my relationship with my children, to the best that I can. 

Yes, I do praise; I do evaluate; I make suggestions; I disapprove! But reading this is just such a good reminder of the respect we should have for (our) children! I certainly want my children to have the kind of personal acceptance and self-respect that Garry refers to; and, to be resourceful problem-solvers and to take responsibility for their feelings and their choices. I choose to concentrate on these desired outcomes, using these principles to guide me as I fine tune my own parenting philosophy. 

Shoo, I know this has been a mouthful. Now I would love to hear what you think. 

Reference: Landreth, G (1991). Play therapy The Art of the Relationship. Bristol, USA: Accelerated Learning Inc.

I dare you!

 Paint with your Tot!

 Garden with your Tot!

 Bake with your Tot! 

And, I dare you, let them do the dishes!

Isn't it awesome to think that you can do all these activities with a one and two year old! It always amazes me to think of how much they grow from one to two.

So I dare you...go on...be brave :)

(PS. Little One's age in these photos...just for my own records really...painting 23 months...baking 25 months...gardening and dishes 24 months)

Love Connections (Cont.)

One of very first posts that I wrote was about love connections and I promised some more. You may recall that I spoke about life being so very busy and how important it is to find opportunities to really connect with our children in spite of the busyness. 

For me personally one of the best ways to really connect with my children, is with humour. I can get downright silly and I must say that the boys just LOVE it! Whether it's pulling funny faces; suddenly pouncing on them with tickles; or playing an exaggerated "I'm going to come and get you" game , all of these grab their attention and are received with great delight. I think it's in these kinds of moments that they think that I'm just the greatest! I love these moments too, as they often break the tension of the day that inevitably builds up as the day's busyness and tiredness set in.

In contrast to crazy silliness, quiet moments are good too. Sometimes one needs to be still and give a long, deep hug; a listening ear; or a kiss and a cuddle. These opportunities are always there. We just need to take them. 

Here are some more ways to quickly and effectively connect with your children.

• Turn up the music and dance together!
• Create a little ritual (like a secret handshake) and initiate it at any time.
• When your child speaks to you, do your best to stop what you are doing, make eye-contact and acknowledge what they are saying.
• Have a quick play-wrestle on the floor.
• Give an extra long hug or snuggle.
• Whisper a little love message in their ear.
• Give a quick massage or back scratch - whatever they prefer.

None of these need take more than five minutes, but the effect on your relationship can be profound!

If you have any more quick love connection ideas, I would love to hear them. 

Through children's eyes

One of my greatest delights is seeing the world through my children's eyes.

The other afternoon, after all the rain, I noticed that we had some mushrooms growing in our garden. I got all excited, called the children, and soon we were having a mushroom hunt! At one point, Big One pipes up with, " If you're little, it's good for shade." It was one of those moments when I just want to grab him and kiss him and tell him how cute he is. (I usually do!)

Speaking of mushrooms, I read this in Garry Landreth's book, "The Art of the Relationship": "Some children are like mushrooms, they pop forth overnight. Other children are like orchids; they take seven to twelve years to bloom." (Nutt, 1971) Garry, a play therapist, then goes on to say, that the effective play therapist will wait for orchids and be patient with mushrooms. Each child has his/her own unique approach to how life should be lived.  I think this is not only true for play therapists, but for parents too. So be patient, whether you have orchids or mushrooms!

Reference: Landreth, G. (1991). Play Therapy The Art of the Relationship. Bristol, USA: Accelerated Development Inc.

Colours and Feelings

I was first introduced to connecting feelings and colours in a play therapy course at University. The technique was called Color-Your-Life (See reference below) and it required that a child would connect  different feelings to specific colours. Once they had their feeling-colour pairs, they would then be asked to fill a page with these colours to  represent the feelings they had experienced in their life. For some children this is rather an abstract concept. A piece of white paper hardly represents a "life", so sometimes one needs to model it first. I must mention that the technique is usually used with children aged 6 to 12 years.

 

Now whether I use this technique in therapy or not, I always tell children about feelings and colours. The book Colour Me Happy by Shen Roddie and Ben Cort is a wonderful companion to have in this process and even though the pictures may seem appropriate for a younger child, I can assure you that older children are grabbed by the bold, bright colours and the humour depicted in some of the pictures. If your child doesn't immediately understand the concept of connecting a colour to a feeling, this book really helps.

Before introducing the book though, it is always interesting to see what feelings children will tell you about when asked. Sometimes they will leave out a feeling that you may consider significant, such as feeling "afraid". but will add a less discussed one, such as "confused". The choice of feelings can give you an idea of what your child may be experiencing at the moment. Remember that children for the most part operate in the here-and-now, so will probably talk about feelings that are relevant to them on that particular day.

Here are some more ideas for using colours and feelings:

Draw a picture of a feeling face or feeling person in the feeling colour that is chosen  by your child and use these pictures to make Feeling Cards. Paste them on some card stock and stick them up in your child's room. It's so easy then to point at a card and say "I'm feeling like this today!". That reminds me, remember to label your feelings out loud, so that your little one hears you acknowledging it.

The Pick-Up-Sticks Game (See reference below) is a another fun way to encourage children to talk about feelings. When your child is familiar with colour-feeling pairs, you can play a traditional game of Pick-Up-Sticks, however when you pick up a stick, you need to tell about a time when you had the feeling associated with the colour of the stick. Remember to share your feelings too. Children want to hear about Mom and Dad's feelings and it's a great time to model the appropriate sharing of feelings.

Most importantly, these games are meant to be fun! If your child resists, try again on another day or think of a different variation. I would always love to hear what colour-feeling games you have come up with. Please leave comments below. I love receiving them.

References:

The Color-Your-Life Technique(Kevin J. O'Conner, 1983). In C.E. Schaefer and K.J. O'Conner (Eds), Handbook of Play Therapy. New York, Wiley, 252-258

The Pick-Up-Sticks Game (Barbara McDowell). In H. Kaduson and C.E. Schaefer (Eds), 101 Favorite Play Therapy Techniques. Aronson, 1997, 145-149

PS. I have linked this to: Show and Tell @ ABC and 123

Cheerful Chores

"I love hugs and I love kisses,

But what I really love is help with the dishes!"

- Author Unknown 

(and the washing and the ironing and the cooking and the packing away...Author - ME!)

Chores certainly don't make my heart sing. In fact, sometimes I can really moan about them! I have to remind myself that little ears are listening and that I am setting the example for how my children will approach their chores. If I moan about them, they surely will too.

So how does one make the humdrum of daily chores fun?

• Play a game called "It's a record!" -  Tell your child to count out loud while they are busy with their chores or set a stopwatch and see how fast they can complete them. They must remember their "record" and the next time that they do their chores, they must see if they can beat their previous record.
• Another fun game is "It's a race against time!" - Set a timer and as each minute passes, count them down. Your child must try to complete the task before the time runs out. You can pretend that when the time runs out the house will explode, or take off to the moon...anything that will create some fun tension and speed the little racer up.
• Sing
• Put on some of your favourite music and dance. (Just don't forget to clean up)
• If you are all in the same room while doing chores, play a game like eye-spy. 

Do you know that it is so important for children to have chores and responsibilities around the home. It's a very effective "Self Esteem Builder". When we do things for our children that they can do for themselves, we are saying to them " I don't think that you can do it, or, I don't think that you can do it well enough". One of my son's responsibilities is to make his own bed in the morning. If I did it, it would take less than a minute to shake the duvet, fold the pajamas and straighten the pillows . Nice, neat and tidy, just the way I like it. When he does it, it's not always up to scratch. The pillows may be a bit crumpled, the duvet a little skew. However, by taking this responsibility away from him, I'm taking away an opportunity for him to become a more capable, independent individual. On top of that, when he completes the task and does the job well, he feels a healthy sense of pride at having done it all by himself.

Clearly defined chores (written or verbal) are helpful for children. They act as reminders and take away any unnecessary bargaining or negotiating on your child's part. My son often asks why he needs to do chores. I have explained that we all live in our home and want it to be reasonably tidy and functional and that means that we all have to contribute to making it work properly. I have used the example of not washing dishes and the consequence being that we would not have any clean plates to eat from when we have our next meal. It's pretty basic stuff, but I keep it matter-of-fact and positive.

I recently read an article by Dr. Ruth Peters about the importance of teaching children a work ethic. The article is an excerpt from her book called 'Laying Down the Law'. The article reveals many truths and is well worth a read. She reminds us that children do not grow up demonstrating good frustration tolerance, perseverance and self-discipline. These are characteristics that we have to take the time to teach them. You can read the article here.

I also like the way Maria Montessori viewed it. She saw the endpoint of a child's development to be that he should be well-adjusted and self-sufficient. Therefore, any assistance we offer to a child's natural development, should foster independence and self-sufficiency. In a nutshell, we need to help our child to do it by themselves.

                            A Happy Helper - Dec 2009

If you have any fun ideas to add to making chore-time cheerful, please leave a comment. I would love to hear it.

Love Connections

Life is just so busy busy! Do you ever stop and suddenly realize that you haven't connected with your child for a few days. I'm referring to a real, meaningful, emotional connection. Perhaps you have been distracted, stressed or simply going through the motions of daily activities and commitments. Whatever the reason, it is so easy to lose that connection . Of course, we all focus on the "must-haves and must-do's", such as meals, clothing, homework, fetching -and-carrying, but we can so easily neglect the emotional stuff.

I find that my little one asks for that meaningful connection. When he asks, or usually demands my attention, as busy as I am, I respond to him. Sometimes he brings me a book to read; other times he just wants me to pick him up for a cuddle and I automatically engage with him. A hug, a kiss, a quick swing around the room. On the other hand, my older son is for the most part pretty independent and just gets on with things. It's him that I really need to connect with more frequently. Those connection moments so easily slip through the cracks. So here is my first quick and easy, but effective idea for love connections everyday.

Love letters...

These are so easy...grab a small note and jot down a positive message...something to make your child feel loved and special. It doesn't have to be pretty. I just like pretty! Then post it. Pop it into a lunchbox, put it on their pillow before bedtime, next to the cereal bowl, on the bathroom mirror...anywhere!

(My son's friends admittedly teased him when I popped it into his lunchbox, so that was not such a good idea for his age group. I have a friend, however, with daughters of the same age and she says that the girls just love it.)

Here are some suggestions for love letter writing. Start your letters with the following:

• I/We think...
• I feel...
• I love that you...
• You are...
• Always remember...

In your letters you can express your feelings towards your child, give positive affirmations, acknowledge behaviour or character traits that you like, or leave little bits of reassuring advice. Have fun writing yours...I did mine! I will post some more quick and easy love connections soon.

PS. I would like to acknowledge that my inspiration for the photographs in this post is from Katherine Marie, photographer extraordinaire! If you would like to visit her, pop over to katherinemariephotography.com